But that was then passed, but the essence is this: I do not rightly consider myself an expert on weddings. My qualification is sufficient to organize the perfect wedding - even for yourself, a loved one, and for her beloved. It's a matter of time: if the date is not defined, but discuss all the nuances. Share, we are not secretive.
Firstly, we, of course, order a limousine. We provincials, and it is important to stress this: because no sane Muscovite limousine for a wedding would not be ordered. Muscovite knows that a limousine ride nowhere, did not have time, and park it anywhere. But provincial Ponto nothing better not to think so - order. The main thing is not to lie to themselves, they say, soriginalnichat want to surprise. If you would like to surprise, would come to the registrar at KAMAZ, seat guests in the back on sandbags. She came out to the cab, all in white, trying not oblyapatsya of oil. I went to all black, and all would see that I'm dressed practical. A accordionist played up to our happiness from the body.
Secondly, we will invite all the relatives. Parents make a list, and we will approve it without reading. Anyway we inaccurately remember who it was, and unsteadily know why invite them all. But we feel: without Aunt Joan from Bryansk in beads of agate and Uncle Tolley from Saratov to tie the perfect wedding color Periwinkle not work. What is a wedding without women from forty to infinity, that the first ones on the dance floor under Glyzina? What is a wedding without a high-profile dispute with his cousin brother-in under a second bottle of troops into Iraq or not to enter? What is a wedding without children who caught the bouquet and garter to all laughed, patted and praised them hairdo? I can not imagine myself a wedding. Never seen. On the Russian prima weddings they, and the bride and groom - so extras. We personally do not flatter yourself too.
The third and main - toastmaster. He - the king of the evening, which will be put to death and never - in mercy. He petty demon that our marriage would plunge into the whirlpool of the three P: pathos, bawdry and postmodernism. From it will not hide, do not hide. And woe to those who ask him for mercy in his ear! After all, the name of the unworthy immediately sound the microphone. And after shamefaced laugh Aunt Joan and approved cry uncle Tolley unworthy orange wig and get on with the flux of ten candy lollipop in his cheek will read poems by Sergei Mikhalkov's "Like our Luba toothache" as long as his wife shook her unfortunate toilet paper with glasses and boots up. As an integral task will be performing songs Toastmasters group "Bravo", soldering guests, extorting money from them, even spicy jokes mother in law and the ability to five minutes to expel all the frost to view the fireworks. How people used to get married without the fireworks, do not know and do not want to know.
And so, gradually, we come to the "fourth" - for competitions. Wedding competitions invented solely to humiliate guests, and we do not move away from this beautiful Russian tradition. Jumping on one leg, wear egg in a spoon, drinking sour stack, pop the balloons zhopku - all in the rhythm of the dance and be sure to rhyme. Surely not without adaptation of tales and remakes for popular movies without wearing women at a distance, throwing rings on the accuracy, eating bananas on vulgarity and singing of folk songs on the volume. Particularly ask that sounded my favorite:
As on a hill, on pritychke
Bunny asks chanterelles.
A fox does not,
Bunny gets foot.
As part of this fun and exciting merrymaking guests will determine who we will be the head of the family, how many children we give birth, what sex they are, shall I give the entire salary to his wife. In general, all that with which we are not able to decide for yourself. Do not forget about the cries of "Kiss! "For the couple, as a rule, to the day of the wedding has not yet been able to kiss or extremely shy of the process.
Fifth, we ourselves form the playlist. She loves group «Kiss», I - Glenn Miller Orchestra. But what are we, animals, the music at his own wedding to put? My experience is categorical: no matter how estetstvovali newlyweds, but still reach Serduchka, and that's when it all started. By "all" I mean the spirit of the wedding, the highlight of which will, of course, dance Aunt Joan and Uncle Tolley, whose tie color Periwinkle by that time will get a nice spots from Tangy sauce. "Where are you, young people, old people are lit only ?! "- Coquettishly shout Aunt Jeanne table with my fellow students, half of whom will hide my eyes and half - do not know how these eyes to tear. Almost certain that a friend of my friend Gosha by that time had time to chastise him for what he specifically did not catch the garter and hid his hands behind his back, you bastard.
Finally, congratulations and toasts. Perhaps, I will point out separately in the invitations that congratulations should be in verse. Those who believe that printing postcards poems will be better, can read and postcard. Those who are the third zarifmuet "love" with "in-law" and "attention" with "understanding", I guarantee prize - a resolution not to participate in competitions. However, it is, of course, self-deception: how pagan orgy (actually, why the "how"?), Russian wedding never goes according to the scenario. As a bunch of pure madness, she willfully splashed around the room and on the tables, merging into a weird harmony flashing legs, guttural screams, paternal speeches, bottles, caps and tartlets with red caviar. Organized in order to "remember was that" it is not able to leave behind a clear memories even if instead of fireworks in the program listed the firing of guns for hours «Vacheron Constantin».
And finally, the most important thing. We are at your wedding will not come. One day prior to it, we write out the registry office and politely listened to all that will tell us a studied recorder. Then we will have lunch with her parents, have dinner with my (or vice versa), look at the visit to the grandparents (that old favorite to shove into the mouth of hell as described above, I am not ready to even joke). We go to bed early in the morning, fly to Lisbon or Valletta. We choose a small restaurant near the sea and choknemsya champagne around the time when Moscow Aunt Jeanne will look under the table tie Uncle Tolley Periwinkle color with flecks of sauce. We kiss without reminders and engage in sex without parting words. We love each other, and because it will be an evening just for her and for me. "All around the silence, taken as a basis."
Without this indispensable condition for the perfect wedding will not work. Without us, cost and redemption Khlebino, salt and a loaf, and Glyzin Vaenga, stealing the bride and non-ferrous metals. I buy myself a new shorts, and she - something more versatile than dress like a cake with a monthly cholesterol. We're getting married for the sake of themselves and for relatives and other guests, so be it, organize a wedding, not to think that you forget not to have decided that clamped so as not to seem that we are not human. No, no, we all as humans: the loaf, and Serduchka and toastmaster with his "so willing and able." That we are not Russian? Sing, soul, walk, flaw. And then we see fotochki.
Most likely, of course, do not see, but if someone later in civilian life linger in our party late into the night, I'll put the stick into the plasma and loudly say, "And now we will look slides with our wedding." And the guests suddenly urgently zasobiralas home and within five minutes left us alone. For each other.